Epicureanism View on Friendships

Photo by Devaiah Mallangada Kalaiah on Unsplash

“Of all the means which are procured by wisdom to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.” — Epicurus, Principal Doctrines 27

Friendships are such a beautiful thing that can really make an impact on our life. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about friendships and their impact on my life. Epicurus weives into this thought process through his thoughts of how friendships are one of the three main roots of happiness: Friendship, Meaningful Work, and Simplicity.

Epicurus believed that friendships provided security and advantages that couldn’t be achieved by anything else. He described friendships as a natural and needed desire in life. This desire contributes to obtaining a state of ataraxia — a sense of complete bliss and serenity within oneself. He did note though that not all friendships are going to give you this. He says to classify as a good friendship one must be able to receive and take the benefits of a friendship without becoming overly dependent on the friendship. A bad friendship can then touch on the natural but unnecessary desire which will prevent one from achieving the state of ataraxia.

Now I started thinking about friendships and reflecting on my different friendships. It is so important to find a good friend. Good friends help you grow while bad ones drag you down. Bad friends can make you feel isolated and the relationship feels asymmetrical. I tried to check on this in my own life by doing an audit of a friendship that I felt was currently being strained. I realized that I was putting more effort into the friendship than the other person. Now, how I react to this new-found knowledge can show one of two things. If I don’t say anything, then I’m hindering myself in the way that I’m letting these feelings of resentment grow. If I do say something, then I can then figure out if I still want to be friends with this person or change my investment in this friendship.

While doing this audit of friendships in my life, I also realized how much happiness friendships have brought into my life. Back when I was a freshman, I had moved from a different school and didn’t know anyone. To add to that, it was a virtual school so I couldn’t interact with people in person. It felt really isolating the first few months as the only thing that I noticed about my peers is their default profile pictures on google meet. Now jumping to this year, I notice myself significantly happier and more mature than in freshman year. That life of solitude made me feel that there was this empty void that was gradually getting bigger and affecting my mood. Having friends that care about me and can support me, has helped me grow as an individual. A good friend can cheer you on your successes but also keep you in check if they see yourself becoming into something that isn’t you.

Reading Epicurus’s writings, I can take away two main takeaways.

1. A good symmetrical friendship is a natural need in one’s life to achieve happiness.
2. It is important to take a step back once in a while to do an audit on a friendship to make sure it is still providing you the benefits you need without dragging you down.